Let’s Get on Rob’s Staff! It’s OBVIOUS He NEEDS Us!

Hello. Are you here for your "interview"?

One of my blogging buddies is gonna shut down her blog (*grumbles* stupid real life *more grumbles*) and she had some classic posts that I could not let “fade to black.” So, today, I am using my blog to post these two posts from Robsession.ca. Oddly enough, they are both job applications to join Rob’s staff, cause let’s face it, we can take WAY better care of him then the current staff.

This first post was born out of the attack on Rob Pattinson by the group of skank hos. When we realized that Rob’s security team was clearly not doing it’s job to the best of it’s abilities, well, I know I had to step in…

Attention: Remember Me Security Team:

Please accept this Blog as our formal application for the positions of “Protectors of His Holy Hotness.”

After watching the pandemonium that occurred today, my friends Amber (from RobMyWorld.com), Lisa and I are offering our services as Robert Pattinson’s bodyguards. We are both willing to put in the time and effort involved in keeping Robert safe from those TwiHards that are deemed dangerous and a threat to Robert’s safety and personal well-being.

Please find our resumes below.

Amber’s Resume:

Objective: Seeking the position of protector of His Holy Hotness

Summary: Exceptionally kickass Bodyguard with no professional experience, but the will and drive to kick some tweenie girl ass if necessary.

Summary of Qualifications:

* Exceptional Knowledge of street fighting, including pulling hair, jabbing eyes out and kicking right in the nuts.

* Strong ability to spot Twihards that may pose potential danger, including those wearing Twilight tees, carrying Edward bags and wearing K-Stew-esque plaid shirts.

* Great negotiating and people skills when “handling” HHH, which will be quite often.

* Excellent ability to handle emergencies and slap a ho into next week.

* Great physical strength and stamina, beyond what is necessary for protecting HHH (ifyoukowwhati’msayinandithinkyoudo).

Education: Chuck Norris’ School of Ass Kicking, Graduate – Magnum Cum Fighter

Katharine’s Resume:

Objective: Seeking the position of protector of His Holy Hotness

Summary: While I have no previous professional experience as a Bodyguard, I have managed to keep a three year old safe and out of trouble.

Summary of Qualifications:

* Former FanGirl, which allows me to pre-determine and intercept undesirable subjects, as I know how the teenager stalker’s mind works. And it’s a scary, scary place.

* Excellent ability to use distraction as a tool to divert attention from Robert and his current… um… position. *Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Knowwhatimean? Knowwhatimean?)

* Willing to put myself in harms way by tackling FanGirls and using my copy of Breaking Dawn as a weapon. That sucker is big. And hard. (oops… did I just say that out loud?)

* Evil Little Pixie. ‘Nuff said.

Education: Christina Aguilera School of Bitch Slapping, Graduate – Valedictorian

Lisa’s Resume

Objective: Keeping HHH safe from Twi-hos…and the occasional Twi-mom

Summary: I’m a high school teacher. They may not call that bodyguarding, but I’ve got mad skillz.

Summary of qualifications:

* I can stop a rampaging teenager with a LOOK. I deal with crazed fangirls every day, and have managed to make them put their Twilight books away for hours at a time.

* Experience with scratching, biting and kicking. And pulling hair. Don’t ask.

* Can flip my hair with deadly accuracy. (See education)

* Much like “Popeye”, Rob’s Cannes bodyguard, I have a gentle touch for Rob, and a strong arm for everyone else. And will bend over backwards to make sure that Rob is satisfied with my “services”. Literally.

* Oh, and I’m a ninja.

Education: Graduated summa cum laude from the Charlie’s Angels School of Hairdressing and Ass Kicking. Major in Ass Kicking, minor in Kick Ass Hair.

More job applications after the jump…

Of course, we all have noticed how Rob has had some problem’s dressing himself lately. Missed buttons, etc. Where is his stylist? Well, Katharine thought it may be good to go ahead na apply for that as well. Hey, she said if she get’s it, I can be her assistant! I told her she could take care of the top buttons while I get the bottom ones, but seems she didn’t like that arrangement as much as me!

Application Letter for job as Rob’s stylist:

To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to apply for the apparently vacant position of Personal Stylist for Mr. Robert Pattinson, helping him dress properly for any and all events that he is invited to.

So you say I am NOT supposed to unbutton them? I am confuzzled...

While looking at photos of Robert at the MTV Movie Awards, I noticed almost immediately that his shirt wasn’t buttoned properly, and that his shirt collar was tucked in. While I understand that many stars like to dress themselves, I find it difficult to believe that no one double-checked his clothes before he went out.

Perhaps he adjusted or removed his jacket and shirt prior to arriving at the awards ceremony, but then I have come to the conclusion that Kellan, Kristen, Taylor, Cam, Christian, Peter, Mike, and the rest of the gang all are incredibly unobservant. How could that many people not notice that his shirt was off by about two buttons, and that his shirt collar was under his jacket collar? (On that point, Rob, you really need to smack a few of them upside the head.)

I have 30-plus years of experience in dressing myself, including buttoning my shirt, tying my shoes (no Velcro!), and putting my pants on. As a graphic designer, I also have a sense of colour and aesthetics.

On the point of aesthetics, Rob needs to wear more red, dark blue, “sexpenders,” the “Shiteous Nikes,” tuxedos (as often as possible at awards shows), and a bit of a beard. Oh, and the Ray Bans are a must. For any and all outfits.

Please find a resume attached, with letters of reference.

Sincerely,

Katharine

Kudos to Katharine for a job well done! We will miss you in the blogging world, but feel free to guest blog for me anytime! I like the nights off.