Few things leave me without words and in a fit of giggles so uncontrollable that I have to excuse myself. This was one of those things.
First, some back story…
A couple of weeks ago, a company which makes personalized romance novels (I know, bear with me!) contacted me and asked if I’d be interested in being an affiliate for their company. That essentially means that if I post a link to their site on my blog and someone buys a novel, then I get a minuscule cut of the sale. I went ahead and signed up, not knowing if I ever would put it on my site but just to see what it was about.
Flash forward to yesterday… I finally logged in to have a look and it was everything I thought it would be. But the best part, the BEST PART of the site is that you can preview the novels before you buy. And guess who couldn’t resist…me!
So, enter a little information about me, a little information about a certain Mr. Rob Pattinson and like magic…PattinPorn made just for me! (Thanks JAG for the term!)
Enjoy! (Yes, this is really about to happen.)
Vampire Kisses
A college campus is the setting for Vampire Kisses and where Amber and Rob first cross paths. It’s love at first sight, but as they become closer, Amber discovers that Rob has a horrifying
Oh Rob! You and your vamp teeth dripping essence. Or is that drool? Ewwwww....
secret – he’s a vampire doomed to a bloodthirsty immortality!
Although Amber senses danger beneath his soft-spoken manner, and even after Rob himself warns her away, Amber is drawn to this creature of the night and loves him as she has loved no other.
Rob looked at Amber, green eyes bright with passion; his hands shook. “Are you sure?”
She took his face in her hands, drew him near for a kiss as she gazed into his green eyes. His fangs fully extended; she traced them with her tongue, loving the taste of him. “I am.” It felt like a vow. “I love you.” Amber ran her fingers through his brown hair then pulled him to her.
He stood it as long as he could, then another moment longer. But finally he had to move, or come undone.
Rob trailed kisses along her collarbone, nibbled her earlobe, making his way to the nape of her neck. Amber moaned beneath his attention, the sound making him shake with yearning, thirst, desire, and love. He hesitated for one eternal moment, fangs extended to their full length, throbbing, dripping the essence of his need onto Amber, her perfect skin glistening in the dim light. Slowly, but with nothing of uncertainty – he bit down not quite tenderly, knowing she would enjoy the feel of his teeth – but carefully to cause no pain. His fangs sank within her, pressed home, revealing incredible sensations for both lovers, a new consummation. Her heartbeat raced through them both. Amber kept her back straight and her shoulders remained still, but her thighs and hips rolled sensuously as music moved through her and her blood sang…
If you are seriously sold on this, then please order away! I can always use a few extra bucks! Or maybe you just want to play with the preview option cause it is effing hilarious!
And because I couldn’t resist. Here is one more for you…right after the jump!
Click for Love
Our irresistible heroine, Amber gives up online dating for good but her best friend secretly posts her profile on a website, and discovers a charming admirer that just might be her friend’s perfect match.
A chance real-life meeting with Rob Pattinson, the handsome, passionate new guy in town, divides our heroine’s attention, and Amber is torn between instant chemistry that makes her knees weak and instant messages that speak to her heart!
Rob slid in beside Amber in the back of the silver, stretch limousine and within moments they were locked in a passionate kiss. Briefly pulling away from him Amber reached to the door and hit the button raising the glass partition and then returned to run her fingers through his brown hair.
“Its been a long time, Rob,” she whispered seductively, as she pressed her parted lips against his. He felt the smooth wetness of the gloss from her lips reignite the stirring in his body that had been smoldering all night. His desire could not be contained and he reached up pulling her closer, feeling her silky smoothness. Not to be outdone, Amber removed his bow tie and began to quickly unfasten the buttons on his shirt as Rob lifted her dress, and pulled her over him, her legs straddling his lap.
“Amber,” Rob moaned raggedly, as she released the button securing his pants…
You know you are going to order like, 10 of these, so just do it already! One for every one on your Chirstmas list. Grandma Mary will love to hear about Rob hitching up her dress!
If you love this little feature, they have more “make your own” novels and I can make you more Rob and Amber porn, if you like!! What’s next? “Choose your own adventure” novels where I can choose whether I want to go behind the dumpster with Rob or if I’d rather take him to a stall in the men’s room. Decisions, decisions.
Note: Hey guys! You may or may not have noticed that I added a little link at the top of the blog where you can buy your very own Rob My World t-shirt! Check it out!
July 8th, 2009 at 12:32 am
And I thought there was nothing better than Fan Fic! Pfft…sign me up! I want a little of my own PattinPorn too! (we <3 JAG). LMAO! Thank you so much for being the first to preview for us, I know you are all about quality! You'd never steer us wrong. Now I wonder how I can add pics to my new book!?!?!
July 8th, 2009 at 8:31 am
I’m invisioning a pic of you and Rob, typical romance book style. With you tearing his clothes off to reveal inhuman muscles and his long, flowy hair blowing in the wind. Very Fabio-esque!
July 8th, 2009 at 1:10 am
OH. MY. GOD.
Squealed when I read the caption under the pic! Don’t worry, Rob, I’ll be gentle. Or not. Depends how you like it. Please wear the sexpenders (need something to tie you up with), a red shirt (cause you’re f*cking hot in it), the button-fly jeans (again, f*ckin hot), and don’t forget the GQ cowboy boots.
Or, maybe forgo everything (except the sexpenders) and just wear the Ray Bans. Let’s keep things simple.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Let’s be simple about this!
July 8th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Rob + Ray Bans + sexpenders + limo in back alley = hours (and I mean HOURS) of fun
July 8th, 2009 at 1:11 am
This stuff is awesome!!! I went to the site (how could I not?) and I actually wanted to know what was going to happen in the story. I like “Love’s Next Door” and “Click for Love”. I wonder how many people ARE putting Rob in their story(ies)?!?! Great find Amber. Are you gonna buy?
July 8th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Unfortunately, it took me at lest 5-6 times reading these little excerpts to stop giggling like a 12 year old boy, so I can’t imagine trying to read a whole book. But that’s me. I get giggly reading FF when it’s just Bella and Edward.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:54 am
Whoever thought this up is clearly a genius! LOL
July 8th, 2009 at 4:37 am
OME..these are like the choose your own romance books I got in the 6th grade…Only with your name in them hillarious!
July 8th, 2009 at 7:24 am
I think I both love and hate you for this one! Ok, ok. I take it back I only have love for you! How am I supposed to resist my very own Rob and Jenn romance novel? And how do I do it without feeling totally lame? This is priceless, I think you just gave us our tickets to hell!
July 8th, 2009 at 10:26 am
To paraphrase: “Since I’m going to hell…”
July 8th, 2009 at 7:26 am
OMG!! This is the best thing ever. I’m gonna go and make one for me and Bobby Long. SWEET!!!!
July 8th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Oh my gosh! You MUST post this!!
July 8th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
You and Bobby. Yum
July 8th, 2009 at 8:05 am
LOL, everytime you read the word “fangs”, did you just think to yourself that they had it all wrong?? Way too funny!
July 8th, 2009 at 8:34 am
LMFAO that is the best! Although when I read my PattinPorn I may or may not already be replacing the girls name with mine. heehee <3 this big JAG
July 8th, 2009 at 8:49 am
OMG that’s so effing funny. Amber, my recuperation from Monday’s op is so going well with my twitter pals and their blogs. Robporn is too funny for words – especially the one in the limo. Hoping I can resist visitng the site and making my own version – cos I need my life back so I can earn a living and keep a roof over my head.
What will you post tomorrow? I will be here to find out. Just put the link on twitter and I will see it.
Many thanks for all the fun.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:59 am
f*ckn hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Except I keep thinking of Rob and Amber from Survivor and it was spoilin the visual for me! Sorry
OMG you have to do another one for Bella and Shagdaddy!
July 8th, 2009 at 9:08 am
It’s okay. It’s really only my visual that matters. And it’s a GOOD one!!
It’s funny you bring up the the whole Rob & Amber thing. I get so much traffic from people looking for those fools, but instead they just find little ol Robsessed me!
July 8th, 2009 at 10:32 am
well i hope when they realise they have found lil ol robsessed you they forget the dribble they were looking for read your gorgeous blog and never look back!
July 8th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Holy shitballs! That was a worse tease than Breaking Dawn. Amber buy this book just so I can get some satisfaction out of it.
July 8th, 2009 at 9:53 am
I was too afraid to read this post once I saw the FF words, but Rock On Amber!
July 8th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Does anyone else need a ciggy and a cold shower after that post?
hmmmmm I’ve resisted reading any FF (Or PattinPorn, lol I LOVE that term, JAG!!!) but now I’m thinking that my pervy self better get on it (pun intended lol)
*faints*
July 8th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
[...] This post was Twitted by AmberRMW [...]
July 8th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Oh. My…
What an incredible find!! Personalized FF…could it get any better?? Love it!!
I especially liked the throbbing fangs…hehe…
July 8th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Throbbing fangs dripping with essence. Why do I think we are not talking about teeth anymore?
July 8th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
This is freaking hilarious! Why didn’t I think of this? I could totes make bank off all of lovers of Rob!
July 8th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
How awesome is that? I wonder if my DH would think I’d totally gone ’round the bend if I ordered one…
August 27th, 2009 at 12:16 am
[...] So, no Rob news means I gotta start making some stuff up! Perhaps you remember not so long ago when I introduced you to Rob/Amber porn and brought fan fiction to a level I never thought possible. I thought now might be a good time to make some more porn, mainly cause [...]
October 9th, 2009 at 12:16 am
[...] they say Edward, I think Rob. I don’t read the Rob fan fiction (kind of freaks me out) but sometimes I make up my own Rob porn. And I also have now taken upon myself to screw over production time at my reader’s jobs by [...]