Quick! Someone Grab This Woman’s Hater-ade!

If you can say this picture isn't FUCK HAWT Rachel, then I actually kind of feel sorry for you.

I found this chick. Her name is Rachel Marsden. And apparently she is not going to be in line anytime soon to do Rob. Fine by me. Bitches need not apply. But damn chica, can you set down the hater-ade and listen to me for a couple hundred words? I read your whole shiteous article, so now you can read mine!

Confused? Here is why I am hating on Rachel:

Have you noticed how many Hollywood casting choices nowadays seem to be made by gay men? How else can you explain the prominence of Zac Efron, Robert Pattinson, Shia LeBeouf, and every male in the Twilight movies? No real woman finds these guys attractive. I don’t want to witness anyone’s voice drop over the course of their silver screen “leading man” career. Real women fantasize about a man who can carry them to safety – not one who would rescue her from a poor choice of dress colour in the dressing room at the Gap.

I realise that many of these leading “men” are meant to appeal to young girls rather than mature women. That’s even more criminal. These girls really shouldn’t be developing a taste for boys their age. That’s just not normal. They’re at the age when they’re supposed to find boys repulsive. They should be spending their day at school trying to avoid “boy germs”, then on Friday night going with mom and dad to see a film featuring a real man who embodies a high standard of manhood with which they can taunt and challenge their male classmates.

It’s no wonder teenage girls are having sex with all sorts of losers in their class at an increasingly younger age.  The mop-heads to which they’re exposed on the big screen – these featherweights seen to be fending off realistic looking computer generated monsters when in real life they probably couldn’t carry their mother’s groceries with their spaghetti noodle arms – serve to inflate the fantasies of young girls vis-à-vis their similar looking male classmates.

When I was a teenager, I lusted after Tom Cruise in Top Gun. My mother’s generation had Rock Hudson, James Dean and Marlon Brando. As this list demonstrates, it isn’t even a question of the sexual orientation of the actors themselves – but rather whether they can convincingly pull off portraying a real man. For some it may involve more acting than we realise, but that’s why they’re paid millions.

I just read a survey showing that many of these young effetes score at the top of the “talent cost” vs “bums on seats” value ratio, so using them is perhaps just a question of economics in Hollywood. Alas, manly men are in short supply and cost more. You can’t just find real, convincing leading men in the playground, or getting mom-and-son matching frosted tips at the salon.

Don’t worry! I defend Rob right after the jump!!

Wow, right. I mean, Rob may not be for you but to say that no real woman would find him attractive is kind of absurd. And before you go thinking I’m some teenage girl who’s all swoony and lusty because I don’t know any better, that is not me at all. My name is Amber, I’m almost 28 (gah!), I have 2 kids, I’m married and I’m very close to having a Masters degree (in journalism of all things!). I’d have to say, all in all, I’m a real woman, I work a real job, I have a REAL life!

I’m not even touching the whole gay thing, cause we all know Cougar Cathy cast Rob as Edward. Kinda punches a huge hole in your whole headline, I know, but that be the truth. I know that cause I’m a journalist by heart and I research before I say shit.

So, you think Rob is lacking manhood and well, I gotta disagree with that. In fact, 2 of the 3 guys you say are real men, yeah, Rob has been compared to them. By the way, that’s James Dean and Marlon

Only a real man can carry a hot pink sleeping bag...

Brando, since I know that research is not your forte. And wow, you really are obsessed with people’s sexuality. Not that it is anyone’s business, especially yours, but people who tend to do a lot of questioning of other people do so because they question themselves. Just sayin’. I mean, personally, if Rob were gay as a 3 dollar bill I’d still think his ass was sexy and, well, I’ve seen him in Little Ashes and it’s just as hot when he kisses a man.

And honestly, I think Rob could carry me to safety if need be. If you want to test that theory, I’m willing to help experiment!

And on the whole fashion comment…With Rob, we’ll be at the thrift store anyway cause he doesn’t give 2 left shits about fashion (research, say it with me, RESEARCH!). I mean geez, did you even take the time to just Google his name?!?

Oh, and you read an awesome survey about how Rob is cheap to hire but brings a huge fan base so now all of your assumptions must be right. Um, I don’t think that will be lasting too much longer, trust me. And understand that once all this Twilight madness fades away, Rob will still be there and their is a huge fan base of older, real women who will follow Rob’s career. And while I don’t compare him as much to Marlon Brando or James Dean, I do compare him to Johnny Depp. Now, really, I want to hear you say that Johnny Depp is not manly! Cause those may be fighting words and I will send TheShagDaddy out on you (his man crush is strong for Johnny!).