The things that I do with my spare time…

You’re probably going, “#411 has spare time? Doesn’t she have a full-time job, plus this fake job?” Yes and yes, but I do still find some time for my other interests. In some businesses you play golf to get ahead, but until they release packs of wild boars on the golf course, golf is lame. So I learned poker. I’m decent. Mostly, I am not above using my boobs to win. Most men assume women can’t play “real poker” and I play up to that, sucking them into fake, obvious tells so they do my bidding until I lay out my straight and take down the pot. I also like to study my enemies. I have three enemies: sharks, zombies, and velociraptors. I spend a lot of time reading about them, learning their ways, and planning the strategic defense of my person against any one of them, or all three of them if worse comes to worst. Fortunately, barring some kind of insane-geneticist-gone-awry situation, I don’t think I have to worry about velociraptors, so my defense there is just to take down any insane geneticists I may meet. Ditto for zombies. It would take a pretty big fucking disaster to make zombies a reality, so I just try to avoid big fucking disasters. Sharks though… I used to vacation on a beach where sharks sometimes were. I would see their dorsal fins and just keep swimming, merrily oblivious to the death machine twenty feet away. I have tempted fate enough. Now I must proactively defend against sharks. This largely involves never going in the ocean, but it also gives me an excuse to own a harpoon gun. Have you ever seen a harpoon gun? They’re fucking awesome.

“The Vampire in the Basement” by michellephants

This is one of the most intriguing concepts in all of Twilight fanfiction. It’s built on canon roots—the Cullens are vampires who live in Forks and go to high school, Bella is a human, she and Alice are best friends. Everyone has their special vamp-gift, all canon pairings exist. The major change is Edward. He doesn’t start out with the Cullens, but since the entire story revolves around his origins, I’ll just skip all that to save from spoiling it. What I like about this story: First and foremost, this is a kickass Bella. She is strong and smart, determined to the best thing for Edward, and while accident prone, she isn’t helpless (something Stephenie Meyer had a hard time separating). Also, the Carlisle/Edward relationship is intriguing. Fanfiction often presumes that they have an established history because that’s how it is in canon, but here michellephants gets to develop their unique bond from scratch. It’s done with such delicacy and finesse—Carlisle is totally his canonical self but Edward is quite different, yet they are establishing the same sort of father/son, mentor/mentee (is that a word?) relationship we know from the books. I’m late to the party with this fic—a lot of people have read it, but since I just found it, I will assume there are those of you out there who haven’t read it yet, either. This story is complicated and intense, but it represents one of the most deep and beautiful Bella/Edward relationships out there. I rank this Bellward right up there with the Wide Awake Bellward (Wide Awake being the standard for all other fanfiction, of course). The Vampire in the Basement is so complex and mysterious it can be frustrating waiting for updates, but it’s so worth it.

“Bright Like the Sun” by dryler

Don’t worry, this story isn’t nearly as angsty an dark as The Vampire in the Basement. In fact, this one is hardly angsty at all. It’s an all-human story, and it keeps the canon function of the Cullens being a foster family, but with a very unique spin. The reason the Cullens stay out of the sun took me by complete surprise. Bella moves to Forks, as per usual, and weird, creepy Edward Cullen saves her from the careening van. Except he breaks her arm in the process, and so ends up driving her to school every day. And then Bella finds out that Edward isn’t so weird and creepy after all, just shy and misunderstood by the town at large, thanks to his tendency toward pyromania. Of course this means Charlie is strongly against Edward being around Bella in any capacity, so one of the central conflicts of the story is that Bella is deceiving Charlie in order to be with Edward. The other major conflict is that Edward, thanks to his circumstances, has been rendered pretty socially inept, and so moves at a snail’s pace in terms of courting Bella. She’s all, “Let’s make out,” and he’s like, “Let’s watch Spaceballs.” Watching never-had-a-boyfriend-before Bella and never-had-a-friend-before Edward come together is awkward and funny and frustrating. But all in a good way. In a really cool turn, Carlisle is a bit out of character. He’s lighter, cheekier, with a ready wit. The whole story (to this point), is pretty light, but Carlisle in particular brings some delightful levity to the plot. The way he treats Bella in the hospital is hilarious. Since I’m a closet Carlisle-lover, I always love a story that brings a unique spin to his character. But the real heart of Bright Like the Sun is watching Bella and Edward mince their way through social awkwardness, misunderstandings, pyromania, and their painful mutual shyness to get together. I can see several ways for this story to take a darker, moodier turn, but so far it’s been pretty light reading with a feisty Bella narrating and an adorable, awkward, pyromaniac Edward starring. And in case you can’t tell, I totally love Pyroward.

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