Thinking about my rec this week got me curious and I did a little math (with a calculator, so it’s reasonably accurate!). Including today’s rec, I have recommended less than one third of my favorites list. I have rec’ed fifty-one stories to date, and that’s *less than one-third* of my favorites list. Which means I have over 150 stories favorited. And for everyone one story I favorite, there are probably a half dozen that I don’t. So I feel secure in saying I have read A LOT of fanfic in the last ten months. A while back I rec’ed the fantastic “Wide Awake”, that gateway drug that gets so many of us hooked on fanfic. I rec’ed it alone because I didn’t want to worry about any other story while writing about one I love so much. And today, for only the second time, a story has my sole, undivided attention. Today we’re going to talk about “Dead Confederates” by goldenmeadow. And I’m going to begin by saying this:

“Dead Confederates” is the best fanfic I’ve ever read.

Hear me out. (Bestie, hold off on the MotU defense, it isn’t necessary.) Last week, I ran down some of my favorite fics. I stand by what I said last week. I love these stories. I read and re-read them, think about them, discuss them and text with Bestie until my thumbs are numb. I’ve made a strong statement today, and I want to make it clear that it doesn’t mean I like any fic I’ve rec’ed less, it just means I’ve reorganized how I categorize my fics. I have two categories of favorite fics: best all human and best canon/alternate universe. The really good AH stories are the ones that make me think, “Change the names, and this could be a book.” The great canon/AU stories are the ones that have destroyed my ability to read the real Twilight. But I never found a story that combines the best of these qualities, until “Dead Confederates”. It is the perfect blend of source material and original ideas; it also perfectly balances humor and drama, and plot and lemons.

“Dead Confederates” tells the story of Eddie Cullen, a good ole boy from low country South Carolina. He’s a foul-mouthed redneck with shitkicking boots and permanent hard-on. And he’s a vampire. Eddie (don’t call him Edward, he won’t appreciate it) is on the Volturi’s most-wanted list thanks to his mind-reading abilities, and after years of hiding out in England, he was found and captured by Chelsea. Carlisle bargains with Aro to get him back, and once reunited with the Cullens, they flee to America and settle in “South Cackalakee” to hide. Forget being upper-crusty people of quality. The Cullens have gone to ground–literally. Carlisle the doctor becomes Carl the vet, Emmett is better known as monster-truck driving Bubba, and Jasper is called Junior, a free-loving hippie who deals with his troubled past by having a lot of sex with basically anything that moves. Maw Esme smacks her boys with impunity, does their laundry, threatens to wash their mouths out with lye soap, and buys her paper goods in bulk at Costco. When the story begins, Alice and Rosalie haven’t joined the Cullens, but Emmett is pursuing Rose, a vampire who lived in town before the Cullens’ arrival and works as a waitress at the local diner.

As for Alice…well she’s something else in this story. Edward alludes to her pending arrival early on, and when she does finally show up, she is not what you expect. She’s a precognitive vampire, sure, but she’s also a kleptomaniac. Her relationship with Eddie is combative, prickly, sometimes downright mean, and only rarely friendly. This is not an Alice and Edward who work seamlessly together to protect the family. Alice has come for Jasper, but also because she is getting glimpses of the showdown between the Volturi and the Cullens. And Eddie, hot headed and quick tempered, is always harping on her to reveal what she knows. She won’t. Alice is cagey and her trustworthiness is questionable.

And then there’s Eddie and Bella. When the story opens, Eddie is pining for Bella from afar. He’s the town’s hell-raising bad boy, expelled from school and up to no good. Bella is new in town, living with Charlie and waitressing alongside Rose. Poor Eddie is plagued with want. He’s profane and earthy and as he is the sole narrator of the story, you will hear a lot about how bad he needs to jack off because of Bella. This story is super, super lemony (even if most of it is of the self-abuse variety). It’s up there with Clipped Wings & Inked Armor in terms of graphicness of language, so it’s not for the faint of heart, but damn, is it funny. And Bella is sexy, sassy, strong, and a terrific potty-mouth in her own right. They play off each other beautifully, trading quips and dirty talk. Edward is coasting along, enjoying the freedom of this new hillbilly life, and Bella forces him to start feeling again and dealing with reality. She’s as earthy as Eddie, his match in every way, except the most basic physical difference of vampire and human. And even then, Bella won’t be intimidated. Also, Jacob and the wolves are in this story as the Cajun “loup-garou”, and Bella is aware of her friend’s true nature long before Eddie reveals his.

“Dead Confederates” is funny and lemony and there is so much to love about it. Emmett the hypochondriac, Carl getting baked with his pseudo-brood and sniffing junk food, Esme’s predilection for Ziploc bags and Alice’s sticky fingers. It’s funny, with quick repartee (I imagine Eddie as a fast talker) and witty one liners and a penchant for alliteration. But there’s an undercurrent of mystery and drama–the Volturi hounding the Cullens around the world for Edward’s talent. The nature of Carlisle and Aro’s bargain for Edward’s release. Alice’s visions of the future that she won’t reveal. Bella’s role with the Cullens, and her part in their future. It’s like having a two-tiered story. On one level, it’s a light, funny, sexy story about a wild Southern boy wooing a sassy babe. He has a crazy family; she has a gun-toting dad. Laughs all around. On another level, it’s a dark, mysterious story about a strong-willed family standing against a bigger, evil foe and the girl who holds the key to their battle. And it’s the best example of source material and original ideas combined I have found yet.

“Dead Confederates” is at the must-read level. And once you’ve read it, check out the companion “Rebelward Without a Cause”, a series of outtakes and sideshots that shed some light on the other characters and certain events in “Dead Confederates”.

Damn. I got to add another story to my must read list. And I was doing SO good reading real books. Oh well. Wondering where all those recs are? They are all right here, ready for you to bookmark! Go, go now!