Dear Betty White,

Betty, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was a fan. I watched the Golden Girls when I was a kid with my own grandma. You were the coolest old lady I knew. And when Rob dropped that he liked the older ladies and said you were the hottest woman in America, I (figuratively) gave that boy a pat on the back. He basically said that NO woman in the U.S. was off limits in his book. Age ain’t nothing but a number baby!

But then I read this interview today in the New York Post, and I was a bit disappointed. When asked if there isn’t something the “mother of comedy” still wants to do with her career? Say, a nude scene with that young, smoldering Pattinson who’s so taken with her? You said,

“No, sorry I wouldn’t. “There really isn’t much spare time these days.”

WHAT?!?

Okay, don’t get me wrong, I may not necessarily be wanting to watch said scene, but damn women, at least pretend. The boy gave you the ultimate compliment. The least you could do is reciprocate by saying you’d totally do him. But you know what I really think?

I think you are a liar. Ever since that episode of The View, I think you have become the ultimate Rob fan.

I think you have a poster of Rob over your bed that you fall asleep staring at every night. That you have Google Alerts set up (cause yes, you are a techno savvy grandma!) to email you new pictures of Rob. You own a copy of every one of Rob’s movies, even the creepy German version of Lord of the Rings, whatever it’s called. (Rings of the Nibelungs. I couldn’t even pretend not to know.)

You are a closet Rob fanatic.You are just like me. You have to pretend you know nothing, when really, you knew everything about the boy 2 weeks ago. We are kindred spirits you and I. You are me, only 60 years in the future.

So, I’m sorry I had to call you out on this. I just couldn’t let you get away with it. The lie was too big not to point it out. I hope you will forgive me. And please, do get Rob that thank you note. I know MY grandma would have gotten it out 2 days after the event, cause that’s how she rolls!

Love you lots,

Amber